In 2004 the wise philosophers Bowling for Soup wrote a song called “Almost” which, you guessed it, muses on things that almost happened.
I almost got drunk at school at 14
Where I almost made out with the homecoming queen
Who almost went on to be miss Texas
But lost to a slut with much bigger breastes
I almost dropped out to move to LA
Where I was almost famous for almost a dayAnd I almost had you
But I guess that doesn't cut it
Almost loved you
I almost wished u would've loved me too
More recently I wrote in the Notes app on my phone the following sentence:
I don’t want to measure my life with “almosts”
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on that sentence since I wrote it — what it means, how I define it, how I want to embody the truth of it. And so far, this is what I’ve come up with:
I think it’s really easy to live a comfortable life. It’s easy to do things because we know they’d make other people happy or they’re societally “right” or considered “good” and “what one should do.” It’s easy to live an easy life. It’s easy to to not speak up about things or to make choices that have no consequences or don’t ruffle any feathers.
It’s easy to live a life where you wonder “what if I had done X”. It’s easy to live a life where you almost did things.
But I don’t want to live a life where I almost do things.
I don’t want to wonder what would have happened if I told my crush I had a crush on him (I haven’t yet, but I will. I promise!). I don’t want to wonder what might have changed if I had spoken up about something that mattered to me. I don’t want to almost have had love or almost have had a conversation that could change things for the better.
I want to actually do them and have them and say them.
I also don’t want to settle for almost. I’m 30 years old and single. It’s easy for some to say “well you’re too picky” or “insert weird backhanded compliment here about why I’m single”. But I know, in my heart of hearts, if I settle for anything less than the CAN’T EAT, CAN’T SLEEP, REACH FOR THE STARS, GIVE YOU THE MOON, HOME-RUN, WORLD SERIES, ZHA ZHA ZOU, FEEL IT IN YOUR TOES, BUTTERFLIES WHEN THEY LOOK AT YOU kind of a feeling, I’m settling for an almost.
There are plenty of almost guys out there. Guys who’ll give just enough but nothing more. He’s “almost” great. He “almost” texts me back. He “almost” asks me out. He “almost” wants a relationship. Almost. Almost. Almost.
I don’t want almost.
I want yes.
I want fuck yes.
I want every decision I make to be a fuck yes decision.
I want to live with the certainty that I did everything in my power to live a full life. I don’t want to leave things unsaid. I don’t want to read between lines. I don’t want to not do the thing because I have to do it alone or because it’s hard. I want to have a robust, rich life and a life like that does not include almosts.
I look at a movie like Atonement (yes I realize it’s just a movie) but it’s a perfect example of “almost.” They “almost” said how they really felt. They “almost” spoke up. They “almost” did the thing they should have done. But they didn’t. And by the time someone tried to do something, it was too late.
I don’t want it to be too late.
It’s never too late for you to choose a life without almosts.
It’s never too late to decide wondering “what if” is too high of a price to pay.
I think a big part of feeling like the main character of your own life is making active choices to participate in it; to not be a bystander. Maybe sometimes I’ll make a wrong choice or say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, but at least I made a choice. At least I did something instead of nothing.
At least I didn’t settle for almost.
I hope maybe, at the very least, you do one thing today that you otherwise wouldn’t have done. Something that could have stayed an almost. As Matt Damon says in the AFI Top 100 Films of All Time movie, We Bought a Zoo:
“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.”
So take 20 seconds of courage and turn an “almost” into a reality. Whatever the outcome, you’ll be glad you did it.
And if you’re not, well, that’s what therapy is for!
Just kidding.
Almosts aren’t enough for me anymore and I hope, one day, they won’t be enough for you, either.
xx
Jenn