The biggest quality a main character should possess is the ability to say “no.”
Saying no is, as I call it, the art of making yourself comfortable. In order to be an active participant in your own life, you have to be willing to put yourself and your needs first. You have to understand that making yourself comfortable is more important than making someone else comfortable.
In other words: stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Now I, historically, have been terrible at this. Tragic, even. I grew up as an overachiever & people-pleaser which, turns out, does not translate well into adulthood. Saying yes as a kid meant you got gold stars, praise from teachers & authority figures, and were for all intents & purposes “a joy to have in class”. Then, you graduate and get a real person job and suddenly you have a whole new world in which you strive to be praised & rewarded (this time with a big end-of-year bonus if you’re lucky) and be seen as the “go-to gal” & the one anyone can come to for help or for anything, really, because you always. say. yes.
Growing up as a “yes” kid, as it turns out, culminates in an adult who struggles to say no because saying no means you’re difficult (this might be more of a female thing… that’s another newsletter). Saying no means you’re not a joy in class. Saying no means you are selfish.
Dun Dun Dun! The dreaded word… selfish.
We’ve been tricked into thinking having personal boundaries and putting our own needs first somehow makes us a terrible, horrible, selfish human being who is destined to spend eternity in burning in Hell (Catholic Guilt… perhaps another newsletter?) while the people who remained JOYS. IN. CLASS. get to spend eternity in Heaven with God and the Backstreet Boys.
But here’s the rub, the thing they don’t want you to realize: saying no does not mean you’re selfish.
Saying no does not meant you’re not a joy in class or difficult or a bad person. Saying no means you value yourself, your time, your energy, your boundaries. Saying no means you have enough self-awareness to know when you, as a human being, need to press pause. You’re allowed to not want to do things or help someone or [insert whatever the scenario is here]. YOU ARE ALLOWED! TO SAY! NO!
It’s just more convenient for everyone else if you say yes. And really, that’s what it’s about… convenience for others over convenience for yourself.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized a big key in being an active participant and main character in one’s own life is the ability to recognize when you need to say no. When it’s okay for you to say no.
Yet, we don’t do it enough. Or, at least, I don’t. But the minute I started even trying to say no, I felt a shift. I felt like, in some weird mystical way, I was reclaiming my power and my energy. It felt good to say no. It felt nice to not be burdened with doing something just because I thought it’s what I should be doing; what was expected. And then I realized, main characters know when to say no. They know how to say no. Or, at the very least, they discover how to say no along their 90 minute movie journey. Because that’s what being a main character is: reclaiming your own personal power and that power includes the ability to say no to things that do not serve you.
No is a full sentence. It wields power. Power over your time and your energy and your focus. You should not, under any circumstances, feel pressured to say yes to something to any reason other than you want to.
I know what might hold you back: What would people think? Will you seem selfish? Will people think you’re a [insert bad adjective here]?
News flash: it’s none of your business what other people think about you.
So, who cares? It’s not your problem! The questions you should be asking are: do I have the time and/or energy to put into this request/event/thing? Do I want to do this time/event/thing? Will I be upset with myself or uncomfortable if I say yes? These are the questions that matter.
YOU are the thing that matters. You, as the main character of your own life, are the number one person on the call sheet. You are the star of the show, the MVP, the award-winning A-plus student of your life therefore, you should act accordingly.
And accordingly means learning how and when to say no and employing it in your daily life.
For example, right now I’m going to plug this newsletter and ask you to subscribe if you haven’t already. Is this a thing you want to do? If yes, great — submit your email below! If the answer is no, guess what? That’s okay! Good, even! Because you’re allowed to not want to do a thing and you don’t owe anyone an explanation for it.
No is a full sentence.
Start using it.
xo,
Jenn